Big Shoes To Fill
by Dallymouse
Summary: This is Darry's account of the day he is told that his parents have been killed in a car accident and how his brothers struggle through. [Own Nothing Love S.E. Hinton]


"Curtis?.. Mr. Darrel Curtis?"

I'll never forget that day.

"...err... we have some bad news..."

I clenched my fist around the door handle as I leaned in the frame, but I couldn't possibly have prepared myself for what was coming next.

"Darrel.. uh.. there's been an accident just outside of town... a car crash - two bodies have been found in the front -"

Oh, Lord.

"- They've been identified as a Mr. and Mrs. S. Curtis."

Mum and Dad.

I grew up a lot in that afternoon. In just those few hours I had left before Two-Bit dropped Sodapop and Ponyboy back home from school. I had to.

Laying in the bath tub with my head underwater it felt like the seconds were passing like years. I dried myself off slowly, careful to keep my jaw clenched to stop that swollen lump in the back of my throat from choking me, to keep those childish, weak and watery tears from streaming from eyes that had to stay dry for my brothers.

Sitting at the empty coffee table, I tried to work out how to tell them, but my head just wouldn't focus on it; couldn't concentrate. In the back of my mind I was bawling like a baby. They were _gone_.

What was the last thing Dad said to me? Oh, Lord, I can't remember! I wanted to remember so badly, cling on to anything left of that morning before I'd gone with Soda and Pony for school. Anything to remind me that that morning had not happened decades ago but just five hours ago, around this very table.

I threw back my chair in sudden realization. This had actually happened and they weren't coming back. This was so much more than a bad dream. It was real. Too real.

I stormed into the kitchen and slouched down behind the counter, sitting on the cold tiled floor, hiding my face in my hands, digging my fingers into the sides of my head and then yelling so loud I could have almost forgotten what had happened. Almost.

Dad, picking me up off the sidewalk when I tripped and scraped my knee. Mum, holding me close when we get home and kissing it better. Dad, slumping down in the chair beside me and introducing me to my new little brother who scares me stiff. Mum, reassuring me that she and Dad love me just as much as Soda. Then suddenly Soda's two and picking his nose as Dad shuffles us both through to see Mum in her hospital bed, cradling my second little brother. Ponyboy gets more grown up by the day and soon we're all running around like maniacs, school playground, recess, playing 'tag' with a young and chubby Steve Randle and a bony Johnny Cade. Dad picks us up and we drive over to the stables before we go home; Soda likes the horses, keeps babbling about getting his own one day. When we get home, Mum's made us chocolate cake and, just for a treat, she lets us eat it before dinner, chocolate milk to wash it down-

I jumped, waking with a start and gasping as I hit my head on the cupboard behind me. From outside I could hear Two-Bit howling with laughter as he slammed the car door shut. I could make out the light-hearted sound of Soda laughing along, too as they walked up to the house, Pony trailing behind in a day dream.

Scraping a shaky hand through my hair, I straightened up and quickly splashed my face with some cold water from the sink. I took a deep breath and gritted my teeth, shoving my clenched fists deep into my pockets.

Soda strode in first and I desperately tried not to picture what his grinning face would look like in a couple of minutes, once I'd taken his world in both hands, screwed it up, thrown it on the floor and stamped it into the ground.

Two-Bit followed him, slapping him on the back at the joke I hadn't heard. Then Pony wondered in, dumping his school bag on the floor and flopping down onto the couch. As I watched him, I realized how young he still was. Soda, too. How could we ever get through this? Even if it didn't kill them just to hear it, what about after? What about after the funeral? After social services have come to say whether we can stay together or not? After it's confirmed that we have no money and no hope?

"Hey, Darry, what's up?"

I suddenly noticed the laughter had stopped and Sodapop was standing by the kitchen counter, staring at me with those big dark brown eyes, so reckless and full of life.

I tried to say something, make an excuse, but nothing came. The lump in the back of my throat just got bigger and I gulped, taking a deep breath and shutting my eyes for a moment. The images of Mum and Dad had gone from the insides of my eyelids and I could think properly.

"Two-Bit.."

"Yeah?"

The idiot's still grinning.

"Thanks for droppin' Pony and Soda back..err.."

"You want me to go?"

For the first time in his life, Two-Bit Matthews seems to be taking something seriously.

"Sorry- yeah."

Shrugging, Two-Bit waltzed around the back of the couch, ruffling Pony's hair and sticking his tongue out at Soda before leaving. As the door closed behind him I knew that there was no easy way that I could break this to the two boy's staring back at me, who I love so much.

"..Soda- sit down."

I walked around into the living room and turned the TV off, avoiding eye contact with Pony as he went to protest and then thought better of it.

"..What's goin' on, Darry?"

Sodapop tilted his head, his smile slightly smaller than before.

"Sit _down_, Soda."

I could hardly breathe as I tried to control myself.

"No- tell me what's up"

Soda stepped closer and I could still feel his eyes on me as if they were drilling into the side of my skull.

"Please, Soda."

"No! What's going on!"

"Soda- I'm serious"

"Just spit it out- what's going on!"

"FOR GOD'S SAKE, SODAPOP, JUST SIT DOWN!"

Struck dumb, Soda sat down, looking scarred. Suddenly I felt awful, wanting nothing more than to hug him so tight and tell him everything would be ok.

"...Darry?"

Pony leaned forward, looking up at me with a frown across his face. At that moment in time he didn't recognize his big brother, all shaken up and nervy.

"..ok.."

I ran my hands over my face and knelt down in front of my two younger brothers.

"A cop came round, today..."

What a great start.

".. there's been a car crash... Mum and Dad-"

The lump in my throat was too big to carry on. I pursed my lips and looked down at my fists, so tense my knuckles were going from white to blue.

"Mum and Dad what, Darry?" Soda pressed, "What.. are they in hospital? What happened! They gonna be ok?-"

"They're dead, Soda... Mum and Dad are dead.."

The words came honest and harsh. I held my brother's brown-eyed gaze as he crumpled in front of me, his expression changing in comprehension of what he'd just heard.

Next to him, Pony sat motionless, jaw firm but green eyes wide as the color drained from his cheeks. He took in a sharp breath of air and clapped a hand over his mouth, folding his other arm around himself, bringing his knees up to his chest as if hoping to fold himself up small enough to disappear.

But I was still locked into Sodapop's horrified stare. His lips parted and he shook his head, almost like a child who hadn't got his own way.

"No way"

He breathed an unsteady laugh and I could see his torn expression pleading me to tell him this hadn't happened. Oh, but it had.

"Soda-"

"NO!" he slapped the side of the couch hard. I know if it'd been anyone else giving him this news, then it wouldn't have been the pillow, but their face that got the full blow. I felt it all the same.

As he took his hand away his eyes suddenly welled and he yelped, the first brother to break, tears spilled down his broken face and I thought they'd never stop.

His whole body shaking, Soda let himself fall forward into me. He buried his face in my shoulder and howled, clinging to me so tight I could hardly move. I clung back, looking up to see Ponyboy give a silent sob, his cheeks now sodden with tears as well.

I cooked dinner but no one ate. Pony looked like the world was going to end and Soda just couldn't stop shaking. They both drifted in between tears and silence. Soda was mostly crying, and Pony was mostly silent while I kept a firm jaw and cuddled both of them until, eventually, they both seemed to calm down.

That night was cold in my bed, despite three extra blankets I was still a shivering mess when I finally gave up trying to sleep and went into the kitchen to make some tea.

As I walked through I felt an even colder draught catch my ankles immediately. On closer inspection I noticed the front door was wide open. -I walked up to close it and, there on the front step, was Sodapop, taking a long drag on a cigarette and sniffing.

He wiped away more tears as I sat down next to him and slung an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand, Darry... how could they just leave us like that?"

"I wish I knew, little buddy, but I don't... " he leaned his head on my shoulder. "All I know is that _I'm_ not going anywhere. Got it?"

"Got it." Soda gave a small smile and I knew he understood what I'd been trying to say.

We walked back inside and, as I went back to the kettle to make some Hot Cocoa for Soda, Soda tiptoed into Pony's room, then came back out.

A few minutes later, we both returned to Pony's room, armed with Cocoa and chocolate biscuits. Pony had cold sweat running down his cheeks. He'd had a nightmare but he couldn't remember what had scared him so badly, though I think we all had an inkling.

Once Pony'd stopped whimpering in Soda's arms and we'd finished our hot drinks and snacks, I went to leave for bed, but Soda stopped me.

"Stay with us, Darry- Just for tonight?"

I couldn't say 'no' to that look of desperation and need that he gave me just then, though I had no intention to, anyway. Gratefully, I pulled back the sheets as Soda carefully lay Ponyboy in the middle of the bed and snuggled up next to him. I then threw the blankets over them and got in the other side of Pony, wriggling down and bringing an arm up over Pony, resting it on Soda's bare shoulder. I could see his magic smile in the dark as he slung _his_ arm over Pony and cuddled us both.

Maybe things weren't going to be so bad...


End file.
